Dear Dunkin Donuts,
A Kreme Delight is the doughnut with chocolate on top and WHITE cream inside. The reason you don't know this is probably because your stupid stores can't decide what to call it from location to location. Sometimes it's "Kreme Delight." Sometimes it's "Kreme-Filled Chocolate." Sometimes it's "Manager's Special." Whatever. I don't care what you call it as long as my order is right, ...which brings me to my point. The next time I order a Kreme Delight at the drive-thru and I get to my destination only to discover that you gave me a Boston Cream, I am going to drive all the way back, pull up to the window and smash it into your fucking face.
Thank you for your consideration.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Two Weddings and a Funeral
People are always asking me, "so, what's new with you?" I just shrug and say, "nothing much." Partly because they're just being polite, but mostly because I hate small talk. I like writing, though, so I don't mind explicating my life here, for anyone interested (drunk) enough to read about it. The truth is, my above answer is more often than not, pretty true. My life isn't boring. It's just laid out as agonizingly long periods of dreary, mundane work, punctuated by staccato bursts of lively, convivial activities interlaced with depressingly morbid tragedies. It just so happens that in the past month, I've attended two weddings (in both of which I knew neither the bride, nor the groom) and experienced my first dead pet, (excluding birds/fish/hamsters/hermit crabs because they don't count.)
The first wedding was that of my girlfriend's brother in Palm Springs, California. I've never been to California before (nor, for that matter, had I ever flown at all.) I enjoyed both experiences immensely, despite the fact that we almost crashed into the airport on the way back into Philadelphia (more on that later). My girlfriend and I stayed at the Horizon Hotel, which, I was told, was a favorite of Marilyn Monroe. I was skeptical at first, as most places like this often claim to be frequent havens for movie stars and celebrities of old, but true enough, under our bathroom sink I found several of the teeth Joltin' Joe knocked out of her head after a fifth of Imperial. Those cleaning ladies do a bum job.
The rehearsal dinner was held at Lyons English Grille a few blocks down, alleged favorite of Frank Sinatra (of course). A lovely time was had by all. I especially liked the Vanity Fair caricatures that peppered the walls with so much oldey englishey ambiance. The wedding ceremony and reception took place back at the hotel. Modeled after 60's chic (think Mad Men), it was a unique and very attractive event and all involved had a great time.
While in California, I took the opportunity to see the Cabazon Dinosaurs (as featured in Pee-Wee-s Big Adventure and to a more obscurely knowledgeable audience, The Wizard.) Back in 1985, it was just the T-Rex and the Apatosaurus "Dinny" (pronounced (Dine-E) on a desert lot just off Highway 10 in Cabazon, about 17 miles northwest of Palm Springs. While I figured that the site would not look much like it did 25 years ago, I never suspected that these famous dinosaur statues were now the site of a fucking creationist museum. Yes, a dinosaur museum that claims that they lived alongside cavemen like in The Flintstones. My favorite phrase from their literature: "Evolution tells us that the dinosaurs lived millions of years ago, but science and the Bible teach us..."
Really? Science and the Bible? Really. I don't believe I can think of a single lesson that those two have ever agreed upon. Certainly not this. No, I'm fairly certain science falls squarely on the "65 million years apart" side.
So after that wedding (at which my girlfriend got falling-down drunk for the first time that I've ever seen, but I'm not allowed to talk about that) we flew back to Philadelphia. Our American Airlines experience overall was not bad, insofar as I'm alive to type this. The first three flights (Philly to Dallas - Dallas to Palm Springs - Back to Dallas) went off without a hitch. The last one was slightly less enjoyable because we were unable to sit next to each other (not really a big deal), and because we landed at about 800mph in a torrential downpour (slightly bigger deal), quickly skidding to a halt with what felt like the engines in full reverse. The wavering in the pilot's voice announcing that we were now safely on the ground (and then something about "thanks to the excellent training we receive here at American Airlines) tells me that we narrowly avoided being the big story on Action News that night.
Back in Philadelphia, it was business as usual for about a week, then we had to put Frank down.
Frank was our six year-old pug and we were all very attached to him. He gave us years of loyal friendship and unconditional love. Unfortunately, after suffering heat stroke about three years ago, he lost his ability to function normally. We held on to him for as long as we could, but in the last few months, his gait deteriorated so much that he could barely stand. We put him down Tuesday. He'll be missed.
The following Saturday, I attended another wedding. This time it was a lot closer to home. The ceremony was in a church in East Falls in Philly and the reception followed at Celebrations in Bensalem. I'd like to say the ceremony was nice, but I'm not sure because I couldn't concentrate on it thanks to a whining, squealing child two rows up whose mother apparently couldn't control him for five minutes.
The reception was a blast. Great food. Great music. The part of the evening that stands out the most to me was when a gentleman from the other wedding next-door helped his wife outside (headfirst) by gently locking her neck under his arm and escorting her briskly towards the parking lot for what I'm sure would have been a calm, friendly chat until a few people stepped in and a brief exchange of ideas ensued (consisting mainly of about 40 uses of the "fuck.") The low point of the evening was the DJs who mostly did a great job, but pissed me off by enthusiastically agreeing to my request and then not ever playing it. Two and-a-half hours I waited for it. Nothing. I hope on the way home their truckload of equipment caught fire and left the road for the cozy embrace of a quarry floor.
Overall, it's been an interesting month. Now I just have to survive my birthday on Friday.
The first wedding was that of my girlfriend's brother in Palm Springs, California. I've never been to California before (nor, for that matter, had I ever flown at all.) I enjoyed both experiences immensely, despite the fact that we almost crashed into the airport on the way back into Philadelphia (more on that later). My girlfriend and I stayed at the Horizon Hotel, which, I was told, was a favorite of Marilyn Monroe. I was skeptical at first, as most places like this often claim to be frequent havens for movie stars and celebrities of old, but true enough, under our bathroom sink I found several of the teeth Joltin' Joe knocked out of her head after a fifth of Imperial. Those cleaning ladies do a bum job.
The rehearsal dinner was held at Lyons English Grille a few blocks down, alleged favorite of Frank Sinatra (of course). A lovely time was had by all. I especially liked the Vanity Fair caricatures that peppered the walls with so much oldey englishey ambiance. The wedding ceremony and reception took place back at the hotel. Modeled after 60's chic (think Mad Men), it was a unique and very attractive event and all involved had a great time.
While in California, I took the opportunity to see the Cabazon Dinosaurs (as featured in Pee-Wee-s Big Adventure and to a more obscurely knowledgeable audience, The Wizard.) Back in 1985, it was just the T-Rex and the Apatosaurus "Dinny" (pronounced (Dine-E) on a desert lot just off Highway 10 in Cabazon, about 17 miles northwest of Palm Springs. While I figured that the site would not look much like it did 25 years ago, I never suspected that these famous dinosaur statues were now the site of a fucking creationist museum. Yes, a dinosaur museum that claims that they lived alongside cavemen like in The Flintstones. My favorite phrase from their literature: "Evolution tells us that the dinosaurs lived millions of years ago, but science and the Bible teach us..."
Really? Science and the Bible? Really. I don't believe I can think of a single lesson that those two have ever agreed upon. Certainly not this. No, I'm fairly certain science falls squarely on the "65 million years apart" side.
So after that wedding (at which my girlfriend got falling-down drunk for the first time that I've ever seen, but I'm not allowed to talk about that) we flew back to Philadelphia. Our American Airlines experience overall was not bad, insofar as I'm alive to type this. The first three flights (Philly to Dallas - Dallas to Palm Springs - Back to Dallas) went off without a hitch. The last one was slightly less enjoyable because we were unable to sit next to each other (not really a big deal), and because we landed at about 800mph in a torrential downpour (slightly bigger deal), quickly skidding to a halt with what felt like the engines in full reverse. The wavering in the pilot's voice announcing that we were now safely on the ground (and then something about "thanks to the excellent training we receive here at American Airlines) tells me that we narrowly avoided being the big story on Action News that night.
Back in Philadelphia, it was business as usual for about a week, then we had to put Frank down.
Frank was our six year-old pug and we were all very attached to him. He gave us years of loyal friendship and unconditional love. Unfortunately, after suffering heat stroke about three years ago, he lost his ability to function normally. We held on to him for as long as we could, but in the last few months, his gait deteriorated so much that he could barely stand. We put him down Tuesday. He'll be missed.
The following Saturday, I attended another wedding. This time it was a lot closer to home. The ceremony was in a church in East Falls in Philly and the reception followed at Celebrations in Bensalem. I'd like to say the ceremony was nice, but I'm not sure because I couldn't concentrate on it thanks to a whining, squealing child two rows up whose mother apparently couldn't control him for five minutes.
The reception was a blast. Great food. Great music. The part of the evening that stands out the most to me was when a gentleman from the other wedding next-door helped his wife outside (headfirst) by gently locking her neck under his arm and escorting her briskly towards the parking lot for what I'm sure would have been a calm, friendly chat until a few people stepped in and a brief exchange of ideas ensued (consisting mainly of about 40 uses of the "fuck.") The low point of the evening was the DJs who mostly did a great job, but pissed me off by enthusiastically agreeing to my request and then not ever playing it. Two and-a-half hours I waited for it. Nothing. I hope on the way home their truckload of equipment caught fire and left the road for the cozy embrace of a quarry floor.
Overall, it's been an interesting month. Now I just have to survive my birthday on Friday.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Blog No. 1 in F Major
Hello, readers. This is the new home for the I/O blog which has been in existence for about nine years now in various incarnations. There will not be any strict schedule of updates (a new blog every Saturday, or Monday, Wednesday and Friday, etc.) as I work a full time job with an irregular schedule and have many responsibilities aside from that. I will strive to update it whenever I have anything interesting to say, which is fairly often, if you don't mind the self-lauding.
A few things for those unfamiliar with my style: I do not censor language in any way, as I feel that censorship is an infringement on our right to freedom of press (and is, therefore, much more offensive than the word "fuck" or any other embodiment of "bad" language.) Though I may often intend to be humorous with my use of this language, I never use it solely to be shocking. Personally, I think that's lazy. If you can't be shocking with just your ideas, you're not interesting enough to be read. If you are offended by language such as this and cannot see your way to understanding my use of it for personal and political reasons, you may do well to read something else. I might suggest Highlights For Children.
Hope you enjoy reading, and I welcome all comments.
A few things for those unfamiliar with my style: I do not censor language in any way, as I feel that censorship is an infringement on our right to freedom of press (and is, therefore, much more offensive than the word "fuck" or any other embodiment of "bad" language.) Though I may often intend to be humorous with my use of this language, I never use it solely to be shocking. Personally, I think that's lazy. If you can't be shocking with just your ideas, you're not interesting enough to be read. If you are offended by language such as this and cannot see your way to understanding my use of it for personal and political reasons, you may do well to read something else. I might suggest Highlights For Children.
Hope you enjoy reading, and I welcome all comments.
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